Fanele Mdlalose, a Zulu training specialist at the National Youth Development Agency and mother of two, found herself in a polygamous marriage four years after her wedding to the Xhosa man of her dreams. She wasn’t aware of it, putting her in-laws’ cold reception of her down to cultural differences and going out of her way to win them over.
“When I visited their home for the festive holidays, my mother-in-law and a woman I was introduced to as a ‘cousin’ were making unsavoury remarks about me. I tried to befriend them, but as I was helping to prepare the Christmas lunch, I overheard other family members talking and realised that she was no cousin: she was my husband’s first wife and was pregnant by him. I was horrified, but when I confronted my husband, he downplayed the whole situation,” recalls Mdlalose.
“At first, I didn’t know how to react. Also, there was never an open discussion about how I was expected to move forward after this discovery. My husband dismissed the subject whenever I brought it up.
“I travel a lot for work and my neighbours would tell me that my husband had brought a woman to our home every time I was away. When I eventually requested a family meeting to voice my discomfort, they all told me to ‘get over myself’ and be happy that I knew who the other woman in my husband’s life was. Instead of getting their sympathy, I was expected to respect her as the elder wife. I was continually belittled and called ‘umfazi we phepha’ – a civil-law wife,” she says.
After her daughter was born, Mdlalose continued in the marriage for four years, wanting her child to have both parents present. However, she eventually conceded emotional defeat and instituted divorce proceedings – a decision that didn’t go down well with her in-laws.
“To this day, I don’t understand why he lied to me about that woman. I’m now regarded as a disgrace among his entire family for having gone ahead with the divorce. Legally, I was recognised as his only wife, because there were no official documents to prove that they were married. However, I had no voice in my marriage and felt I had to end it,” she recalls.
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